1.You pray for sprained ankles at cheerleader try-outs

2. You peel your kid’s grapes

3. You pack your daughter’s volleyball bag the night before….her 18th birthday

4. You are performing recon on your child’s phone and accidentally snapchat a selfie and have NO CLUE how to make it disappear

5. You tell your son to hide when the constable knocks on your door

6. You get a call from the principal and immediately seek to defend your child without even listening to the explanation of what occurred

7. You “shore up” the art project after your child goes to bed then lie about it when they wake up the next morning

8. You tell the constable that you have no son

9. You are infuriated when your Science Fair project doesn’t make it to regionals

10. You pass your child’s 3 best friends with sleeping bags in Friday’s carpool line and you instantly weep while reaching for the thermos of gin in your glove box

11. Keep track of every “like” and “friend request” of your child’s on social media platforms and become hateful when another child disappoints you

12. You routinely give the school janitor hush money because he lets you sneak in to abscond your off-spring’s book/assignment/lunchbox/class turtle which was forgotten

13. You’ve ever pretended to be your child and answered her / his text

14. Your preschooler cannot open a box of raisins without assistance…lots and lots of assistance

15. You email the college professor for clarification on an YOUR SOPHOMORE’S assignment.

16. You never allow the two-second silence between when someone asks your child a question to exist before jumping in

17. You feel super guilty when your child has a free afternoon

18. You complain that there’s no Match.com for playdates

19. You scream “You owe us a scholarship,” when the one crappy player on your child’s soccer team single-handedly loses the championship game

20. Your child’s first birthday party costs more than your wedding.

The blogger cannot confirm or deny which items are actually autobiographical and which are hypothetical.