1.You pray for sprained ankles at cheerleader try-outs

2. You peel your kid’s grapes

3. You pack your daughter’s volleyball bag the night before….her 18th birthday

4. You are performing recon on your child’s phone and accidentally snapchat a selfie and have NO CLUE how to make it disappear

5. You tell your son to hide when the constable knocks on your door

6. You get a call from the principal and immediately seek to defend your child without even listening to the explanation of what occurred

7. You “shore up” the art project after your child goes to bed then lie about it when they wake up the next morning

8. You tell the constable that you have no son

9. You are infuriated when your Science Fair project doesn’t make it to regionals

10. You pass your child’s 3 best friends with sleeping bags in Friday’s carpool line and you instantly weep while reaching for the thermos of gin in your glove box

11. Keep track of every “like” and “friend request” of your child’s on social media platforms and become hateful when another child disappoints you

12. You routinely give the school janitor hush money because he lets you sneak in to abscond your off-spring’s book/assignment/lunchbox/class turtle which was forgotten

13. You’ve ever pretended to be your child and answered her / his text

14. Your preschooler cannot open a box of raisins without assistance…lots and lots of assistance

15. You email the college professor for clarification on an YOUR SOPHOMORE’S assignment.

16. You never allow the two-second silence between when someone asks your child a question to exist before jumping in

17. You feel super guilty when your child has a free afternoon

18. You complain that there’s no Match.com for playdates

19. You scream “You owe us a scholarship,” when the one crappy player on your child’s soccer team single-handedly loses the championship game

20. Your child’s first birthday party costs more than your wedding.

The blogger cannot confirm or deny which items are actually autobiographical and which are hypothetical.

 

 

Hey there. I know for sure that you personally have no control issues but are just peeking on here for your neurotic book club buddy. I get it. But since you landed here, and I’m glad you did, what exactly is meant by sMother Superior?

1. sMother Superior: (n.) A parent or guardian prone to engineering circumstances for a child which minimizes negative outcomes and insures unnatural success. Additionally, sMothers of the hot house parenting variety are known for pressuring their young children to extract academic performance. sMothers Superior gain an inordinate amount of self worth from the accomplishments of her / his child and share an overly enmeshed relationship. No germs. No B’s. No problem.

So, are we horrible people? Heck to the NO! It’s in the air we breathe.

So what is in our Pinot that makes us go to crazy lengths to not only protect our offspring but to provide the perfect childhood for them? What enabled generations of people before us to gain a healthy separation from their children, parents who would not think twice about saying phrases like “no” or “we can’t afford that” or “if you tell me you need cupcakes at 10 pm the night before they may be made of Gravy Train because we have no eggs in the house.” ? What external pressures have conspired against us to not only save the umbilical cord for its’ blood cord stem cell usage later but to never cut the emotional chord in the first place?

The fear of falling behind

So we are all tempted to micro-manage our children’s lives. Why? Because it is 2017 and particularly for those of us on social media, everything is a competition. EVERY. THING. From the time it took to conceive a baby to a grown child’s career success we just want our kids to be happy, do well in school and be accepted to the right college. More to the point, we just want our kids to be as happy as happy all the other kids seem to be. We are tasked not only with measuring up to our perception of successful parents around us but also winning the popularity contest between us and our ex, spouse, in-laws and parents.